The Darkest Hour !!!

Trying to understand human nature, behavior or his conduct in different situations and scenarios. Where to start from? First I need to find a subject. This is not an experiment I told myself but it is also not a study I am part of, so what exactly is it? It is actually an effort to try and understand ME. So who better will serve the purpose and will be a better subject than ME myself. So what exactly am I trying to analyze or study here? This is what exactly I am trying to figure out through this post. In the hope that by penning down ( or typing down to be more precise ) whatever comes to my head and heart I’ll be able to figure out what exactly I am looking for. So where to start from? I look at myself today and I despise everything about me at this very moment. I want to feel pity for myself and then I hate myself even more for feeling like this. Where I lost that old self of mine down the road even I don’t know. When I used to care for no one, worry about no one, it was just my work and my family. Where and how? Two biggest questions of my life at present. Do I want to get back that old Rishabh? Hell yaa.. but how ??? cant even remember how he was, just have few glimpses or shadows which I am desperately trying to get hold of but even those are slipping out like sand from my hand. Can’t even remember the feel of being that Rishabh. He was so cool. Everyone used to think twice before approaching him, the aura, the fear, the respect.. I miss.. why I gave up that self?? Foolish of me. Gave into peer pressure or what don’t know. But what is the final result ?? everyone happy and ME hurt. Everyone was happy to see this new avatar which was till now confined to the walls of my home but now was there for everyone to see. So nice, so sensitive, so thoughtful and where this nice, loving, sensitive chap ends up… right here in this ditch. Self pity. What cowardly act of a weak man. Am I weak or am I a fool? I think I am a weak fool who even after committing so many mistakes still goes on and do the same blunder again and again. Life is so dark and full of negativity. Previously when I used to hear anyone saying things like it is so very difficult to come out of any situation and “move ON”, I used to laugh. But when encountered by the same thing I realized the meaning of that. Everyone faces problems but real stuff is to come out of it. Might be battered and bruised but still climbing out of that pit. But problems and gloom doesn’t leave you just like that. Atleast not in my case. I want to break free but everytime I try to break these shackles I find myself getting more and more entangled in them. Though the key is right here in my hand but everytime I place it on the lock, rather then opening it up, I end up screwing it further and further tight.
So who is responsible for my misery. No prizes for guessing… obviously me. My biggest mistake- I changed or became natural. I remember on my very first post someone wrote a comment that I have an artificial covering around me and I keep the original Rishabh hidden somewhere down there. Well it used to be the case and looking at myself now that was actually necessary for someone like me. I have to have that protective shield around me to prevent myself from this manipulative world. One thing I know about myself with 100% surety is, I don’t possess the quality to judge people. I trust anyone who is nice to me very easily and end up getting hurt, disturbed betrayed etc etc. Self pity again yakkk… major question to ponder upon? How to bring back that old vigour and swagger and specially that SELF CONFIDENCE. Self confidence hmm … yeah that is my major problem. I have lost it. I go about doing anything and first thing which comes to my mind ?? what will I do if I fail or if anything by mistake goes right, next thought… how can this happen to me. Beware buddy something really bad is on its way and believe me it really was on its way. Had such an encounter very very recently when a very very beautiful thing got snatched away from me just like that without any warning without any explanation and I was again left stranded. Wasn’t in a position to ask why. Everything happened so suddenly that I was completely blank. But the real struggle started after that. When the reality dawned on me and the onus was again on me to live with it and as they say “MOVE ON”. They say it gets darkest before it starts getting bright. But the problem is everytime I think that yes nothing more can go wrong and now things will start looking up but immediately then a bolt from the blue will come and strike my half open eye and will shut it again. So now I am even terrified to think … what next. What bogus and depressing post. But that is how I am at present. Pathetic. Now what to do with this post. Should I publish it or keep it in my stock of other such depressing posts. I want to throw it in the pile but deep down this time a voice is shouting to let others read and get their views. But why so?? Again to get sympathy. I think it is normal human tendency to long for sympathy and I think I have fallen prey to that. How nice it feels when somebody sympathize with you or your situation… yakkk … pathetic again. Ohhhh get me out of this shit hole.. my mind is all clogged up and jammed with such sorry thoughts which have formed such a strong web in my head that I find my will power wanting. They say time will heal everything and if God has brought you to it, he will only bring you out of it, but …………………………….

RJ